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Folk spilder deres tid på at skrive de særeste ting, og jeg spilder min tid på at læse dem. Den sidste af den slags skud på stammen er en FAQ om den tyske folkesanger Heino, som ifølge forfatterne skulle have Heinos personlige godkendelse. Det ser også ud til at det er nogle danskere som har begået dette tåbelige skrift.
Markeringerne nedenfor er mine egne

The Heino FAQ version 1.0
- everything you always wanted to know about Heino but were afraid to ask…

1. Who is Heino?
   Heino is the most successful German folk (Volksmusik) singer of all times. His characteristics are the blond hair, the omnipresent dark shades and the clear, baritone singing voice. He has sold more than 30 million records in the last 30 years and has become one of the most beloved and famous persons in the German speaking part of the world (98% of all Germans know him which is only surpassed by Bundeskansler Helmut Kohl’s 99%). He was born on December 13th 1938 in Düsseldorf-Oberbilk, Germany and given the name Heinz Georg Kramm. Early on his mother and sister (his father died in WW2) gave him the nickname “Heino”.
2. How did he get started as a singer?
   Though Heino is a fully trained baker and confectioner singing had his full attention early on. While serving his apprenticeship, he started playing the accordion. Quickly he caught up with the singing and had his stage debut in 1955. Having ended his education in 1960, he decided to make a living out of singing. In 1965 Heino was discovered by the agent Ralf Bendix (Dr. Karl-Heinz Schwab), and the debut single “Jenseits des Tales” sold more than 100.000 copies. His second single “Wenn die bunten Fahnen weh’n” earned gold.
3. What are his career highlights?
   Heino’s carreer is slowly coming to an end, but the highlights are manifold. In 1968 he played his first U.S. concert, and he has returned many times. Beside the U.S. he has toured Canada and Australia, giving emigrated Germans a piece of “native soil”. His jubilee album of 1975, “Heino – seine Großen Erfolge” sold 1.5 million copies. On March 18th. 1990 he played his first concert in the earlier DDR (East Germany) in Dresden. 150.000 people attended this first concert of the tour, which became a true triumphal procession.
4. Is Heino married?
   Yes! Heino is married to the lovely Hannelore (pictures elsewhere), with whom he often performs (in 1984 they even recorded the album “Die Liebe ist das Gold des Lebens” together as a duo). According to Heino they got together as a result of at least 36 fictional stories in “Bild” – they were supposed to have an affair, and in the end they started believing it was true. The 37th story was about their wedding. Hannelore is a divorced noblewoman (Princess of Auersperg), and in the beginning her fashionable Kitzbühl-friends wouldn’t accept him. But Heino simply started singing, and all of a sudden they were family. Today they all love him. Hannelore is the practical person, taking care of everything from contracts to Heino’s wardrobe (he admits that without her, he would look like a clown). Heino has a son (Uwe who’s in his thirties) from an earlier marriage.
5. What kind of woman turns Heino on?
   The perfectly normal type, who could be a secretary. By the way, homosexuality gives Heino the creeps.
6. Where does he live?
   Heino has two homes, one in Bad Münstereifel (close to Köln/Cologne in Nordrhein-Westfalen) and according to “Der Spiegel” a tax haven in Switzerland. To get in contact with him or his manager, try visiting or writing to:
   HEINO Künstler-Büro
   Postfach 1270
   D-53869 Bad Münstereifel
   Fax: 02253 – 62 47
   Buero@HEINO-online.de
   Germany
   Bad Münstereifel is also the place where you can visit the “Heino Rathaus-Café” (opened 06/21/1996). The Haselnuß cake is recommended, and Heino’s sister works at the cafe about once a week.
7. What does he do on a normal day?
   On a perfectly normal day, Heino likes to go to bed early, turn on the TV and watch football (soccer). There are no reports of what his favourite team might be, but the song “Eine Träne von ihr” on the album “Einer von uns” is about how to get along in a relationship, when the man is a fan of Dortmund and the woman prefers Schalke 04. If Heino can’t catch a football game, he then likes to watch 5-6 movies in a row. His favourite actor is Clint Eastwood (the one guy Heino would swap looks with), and if a movie doesn’t have a happy end, Heino might just cry a little.
8. Does Heino believe in God?
   Heino is an orthodox Catholic who prays every day. He even goes to church every sunday, because, like he says, it’s a short visit on earth for all of us. Heino doesn’t rule out the thought of reincarnation.
9. Was Heino ever on Letterman?
   In a way, yes. He was featured in a joke on the show in the late 90s. First they showed a 10 second clip of Heino parading along some Bavarian country road with a bunch of Lederhosen-wearing guys stomping along behind him, chanting “Heute singen wir mit Heino, Heute singen wir mit Heino…”. And then, David Letterman commented the clip: “Today we sing with Heino, tomorrow we conquer the world”. It is also reported, that once when Letterman played bits of different funny albums, he held up a Heino record and said something like, “Look, kids! It’s the new Heino record!” and played a bit from “Tom Dooley.”

Jeg synes for tiden af min indbakke bugner af invitationer til diverse Social Networking Networks (SNN) så som Fæcesbogen, WAYN, LinkedIn, MeetIn, Twitter, Zanga og hvad de nu ellers hedder alle sammen.

Jeg bruger selv adskillige SNN – deriblandt Last.fm og Librarything – og man kan vel også kalde denne blog og min deltagelse i andre blogs for Social Networking. Fælles for de SNN, jeg deltager i, med undtagelse af blogs, er at jeg opfatter den som værktøjer – havde de ikke en værdi foruden SNN-delen ville det være tvivlsomt om jeg havde oprettet en konto eller besøgt tjenesten mere end blot en enkelt gang.
Der er en masse SNN, hvor deltagelsen for mig kun ser ud til at gå ud på at skabe en masse virtuelle venner. Jeg er ofte blevet spurgt, ikke om jeg har en myspace, men det er da ved gud jeg ikke har. Hvad er formålet med myspace andet en at få en masse mennesker til at tilføje sig som venner? Ok, jeg kan godt se et formål, hvis man er musiker og ønsker en nem og effektiv måde at promovere sin musik på. Bare tænk på The Sokos, som er blevet kendte gennem myspace og på den måde har fået sig et hit her tilo lands med sangen “I kill her”, som er blevet spillet adskillige gange på Statsradiofonien.

Grundlæggende er det jeg vil sige, at jeg ikke forstår det.  Og når jeg nu har sagt det, skal det så også siges at jeg for en par uger siden blev overtalt til, at jeg skulle have en konto på Fæcesbogen og umiddelbart er den eneste brugbare funktion, jeg kan få øje på der, at man kan lægge et ubegrænset antal billeder op, for så at tagge dem med de personer som er på billederne – hvis de altså også er på Fæcesbogen. Det er nu meget smart. Jeg havde svoret at holde mig fra den slags pjat, men se mig nu. Jeg er teager hele tiden mig selv i at bruge lang tid på Fæcesbogen op gentagne gange opdatere siden, for at se om der er kommet nogle nye meddelelser. MEN JEG VED IKKE HVORFOR JEG GØR DET!

Kender I det med, at man nægter at høre et band fordi man på forhånd har dømt dem til at være elendige og de så viser sig at være ret fornøjelige alligevel?

Jeg har efterhånden gjort det en del gange og på min liste over musikalske fejlbedømmelser findes bl.a. Marilyn Manson, Radiohead, Morbid Angel og, tro det eller ej, TV-2.

Det seneste skud på denne stamme af fejlbedømmelser fra min side viser sig at være det noget besynderlige ensemble Je m’appelle Mads og Bounty Niller. Da jeg allerførst hørte deres musik i forbindelse med Flemmings Helte på DR2 blev jeg noget afskrækket af deres dybt besynderlige lyd og generelle mærkelighed – for ikke at nævne deres Danmark-video, som jo grænser sig til majestætsfornærmelse. Imidlertid kunne jeg hurtigt vænnes til den særlige elektroniske musikstil, de fører sig frem med, idet den bringer mig tilbage til barndommens utallige timer foran min NINTENDO 8-bit, som jo var et fantastisk apparat – og da jeg jo grundlæggende er en fjollet person kan jeg også nemt leve med fjollede tekster. Der er jo også nogle dejlige linier imellem.

Klip klip klip
Klipper med en saks
Klip klip klip
Klipper i Karl Karx

og

Min computer er min bedste ven
Det er derfor jeg aldrig slukker den
Og om natten lyser den på mig – blå og bleg
Jeg elsker dig

Hvordan kan man ikke elske de tekster? Jeg synes desuden det er fedt, at støde på et bandt som synger på dansk og hvis tekster viser en åbenlys glæde for leg med sproget – den slags er jo sundt og stimulerende for et sprog. Jeg er dog stadig fortørnet over majestætsfornærmelsen og utilfreds med deres til tider lidt for hiphop-agtige sangstil. Hiphop er nu engang djævlens værk – og end ikke den seje djævel som bragte os Hævi.
Til slut en lille video: